When someone goes through loss there are different ways of coping with the pain. Some need time, others may need to ignore it and bury themselves in activities... for me I became overwhelmed and bitter. I was angry. Furiously angry. What a cruel trick that God had played on me. I hadn't done anything bad in my lifetime, stupid, but not damning. I was a kind person. I helped others when I could.
I could not stop wondering what I done so WRONG in my life that I was given such a gift to have it yanked away from me so quickly????!!! Why was I given this curse of infertility? How DARE this happen to me!
I had heard someone tell me that people said I wasn't the same person anymore. I used to be carefree and happy, and now I was, for lack of a better word, a buzz kill. I had changed. I don't deny it. I was a changed person. To say I was sad and angry is being polite, but no one would ever understand my struggle. Not many would ever know what it is like to go through the daily struggle with PCOS. No one will know the ugly truth surrounding how mortifying it is to have doctors poke and prod every inch of you. To know and have it confirmed that I was the problem that my husband could not have a baby he so desperately deserved chipped away at my confidence. There wasn't a single soul who could relate with what my husband and I were experiencing because we were the only ones dealing with this problem.
Sure there are infertility clinics open for more people than just myself. I know there were other people going in there for some of the same reasons because I saw them while I was there for my appointments... but no one could relate to me and my struggle. That's how far gone I felt.
So consumed with anger had I become that family members did not want to share news someone in the family was pregnant. My husband worried after me and I shut him out. It was a dark, lonely time, and it really did not have to be. There were and still are others going through this battle with infertility. The CDC reports that 6% of the US population are infertile, but I think it is much higher than that. After all, it's expensive and embarassing.
The cost of infertility care is ridiculously high in America. Even with Obamacare, none of the treatment is covered if you are a civilian; service members have an edge here because some of their treatment is covered for infertility. This care should be covered for everyone. Afterall, how hard is it to do a vaginal ultrasound and cycle monitoring? Then I remember that making babies is a booming industry, upwards of Billions of dollars a year. The paranoid person in me is easily moved into a conspiracy between those who want to maintain their high dollar businesses and those who believe this is a way to keep the population controlled... but that's for another day.
How did I finally move on? Remember how I said that my family was afraid to tell me of a family member who was pregnant? Well, they told me....
I was at work, why my husband told me on my lunch break I will never understand, but I screamed out in fury. My heart was racing... these people weren't even TRYING for heaven's sake! I was driving and close to hyperventilating. I saw a church and pulled into the parking lot. The front doors were opened and I zoomed inside avoiding every office and person I could and went into the sanctuary. I sat and buried my face in my hands and cried. I yelled at God for cursing me so. I damned all of the people who had a child who sure as hell did not deserve one. I was anything but sweet and kind that day. Whatever temper was in me was unleashed. I cried for I don't even remember how long, and by the time I was done my face doubled in size and I looked like I had been laying in the sun too long I was so red.
As I relaxed and came down, I felt better. Calmer.
Over the next few months I stopped going on infertility message boards. I stopped being a part of a local infertility group on Facebook. I would look at a woman who was swollen with pregnancy and not feel sadness or anger, but happiness. After all, I have no idea what she went through for her to be able to get there. I celebrated, genuinely celebrated, people announcing their pregnancies. Slowly I came out of my dark funk.
I was ready to try again.
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